The 10 of Swords again.  This is an interesting development.  At least the 10 of Swords suggests the end of a cycle, a closure.  Hopefully I have now learned the lessons of the swords, although I guess there is always more to learn. 

I found the Secret Forest 10 of Swords intriguing.  The image of the spider with little spiders (I think) crawling all over it reminded me of the movie "Lost in Space".    The Robinson family ran into a derelict spaceship infested by space spiders that ate their wounded.  And that's what I thought of when I saw this card.  The cycle is ending because the mother spider is sacrificing her life so that her young may life.  There is a finality to things but also a sense of continuation.  So there may be some painful transformations up ahead but they will ultimately help me move forward into a new phase. 

Perhaps the challenge for me will be working on communicating and thinking up my marketing and business plan.  I know that one of my issues has always been that I am very uncomfortable talking myself up.  I mean I can be a bit of a braggart about unimportant things (you know what I mean - saying I'm the smartest on in the group or the biggest bitch), but that's basically BS.  I don't really think it and I don't really mean it and that usually comes across in how I saw it.  But to have to describe my Tarot reading practice in style in a way that would actually attract clients, that terrifies me (even more than giant spiders).  Then I'd have to be honest and clear and approach it in a serious way.  My flippant, smart aleck approach just won't do it in this situation.  So I may need to be just a bit more serious about this.  Not deadly serious but serious.

And I think it's reinforcing the point that I need to make sure my communications in this area are effective.  As Chris Cooper's character says in the movie Interstate 60 "Say what you mean and mean what you say".  I don't want to scare off potential clients, but I also don't want folks coming to me expecting Miss Cleo.  I can deal with "silly questions" because I don't necessarily thing there is such a thing.  But I remember getting feedback on Keen on time from a client who wrote "I don't care what the cards mean, just tell me my future" (or something to that effect).  And I was pissed.  Not so much because she didn't like the reading but because her complaint was unfair (at least to me).  I thought I made it very clear on my page that I don't do predictive readings.  But maybe I wasn't clear enough.  So that's an important fact for me to remember.  Clarity and brevity might be two skills I need to work on.  Keep things simple and clear.  Because at the end of the day I'm not really a flowering, let me hold your hand type of person.  So I don't want to mislead clients.  After all, I'm sure there are folks out there who can appreciate the "Stop your freakin' whining" school of Tarot reading. ;D  

I feel like I've won a prize.  In just a few short hours I managed to go from the Page of Swords to the King.  And to think, all because I used my noodle.  I really do feel as if I passed a test.  After receiving the Page of Swords (as well as numerous other Swords cards) over the past few weeks, I think I've finally gotten the point.  I am not communicating my mastery and competence, mostly because I'm not 100% comfortable putting myself out there as an "expert reader".  But what do I bring to the table that embodies king-like qualities.  I can be controlled (well sometimes), authoritative and masterful, but I'm just wasn't at the point where I felt competent to say that about my Tarot skills. 

But I don't think that's the point here.  I don't see the key as being my "mastery" of Tarot.  Quite frankly I'll always see myself as a student.  I think they key is in how I communicate my skills, talents and approach to Tarot reading.  Touching on what Elizabeth mentioned in her workshop on marketing, I need to find my niche, to find what makes me unique and special as a reader and then I need to communicate that to prospective clients.  As my pal chelsearoad has said, the people coming to me need to hear what I have to say.  There must be something about my interpretation that the universe wants them to hear.  But at the same time I realize that my approach to the whole thing will not be to everyone's taste.  I am a huge proponent of the "Stop Your F***ing Whining" school of counseling.  I have sympathy for people who are genuinely struggling with their issues and seek real advice and help.  I have no patience for professional whiners or perpetual martyrs.  While I may not adhere to most Judeo-Christian ethics, I have always been a firm believer in the concept that "God(s) help those who help themselves".  I can't empower people and I can't save people, I can help them find the way to empower and save themselves.  Now of course the key is putting that in language that sounds positive and affirming rather than judgmental and bitchy.  And I'll figure it out once I am able to put my huge, juicy brain to the task.

I guess the bottom line is that I already know what my unique niche is and what my Tarot voice is.  My task is to put it in words that will attract the right clients to me.  But at least I have an idea where I 'm going now.  Thank goodness.

Ironically enough, great minds really must think alike. While checking my blog tonight I saw this post from Gavin in response to my earlier post "I like to think of the Page of Swords as the truth More…speaker, maybe there is something going unsaid that needs to be expressed." (for some reason the comment is not displaying even though I approved it).

Gavin comment really hit the right note for me. I had an epiphany earlier that gave me the same insight into the Page of Swords. I was at a meeting for a professional organization (of which I am president) and one of the other board members noticed my Tarot School tote bag (it's a lovely hunter green with golden suns and moons on it) and asked if I read Tarot. I hemmed and hawed and finally mumbled that I did but really only for friends. She asked how much I charge and I genuinely couldn't answer her. Then she mentioned that a friend used to read Tarot cards (in fact she was doing readings the day before she died at 86 years of age). We talked about Tarot for a few more minutes and went on our separate ways.

Then on the subway it hit me - of course I'm getting the Page of Swords a lot, I still can't effectively communicate that I'm a Tarot Reader. I still have trouble speaking the truth about it, even to myself. Instead of being like Evelyn in The Mummy (Rachel Weisz's character) who proudly (if a bit drunkenly) proclaims "I'm proud of what I am. I am a librarian!", I stumble. For whatever reason, I'm still very unconfident in my skills and what I have to offer as a reader. And I think that's what the Page of Swords is trying to tell me. It's time for me to start communicate this very simple fact - "I know what I am, I am a Tarot Reader"

And for once, rather than beat myself up about it (as is my usual wont), I'm just going to accept the message and work on changing this pattern. Hey, you know what they say, the first step to healing is admitting you have a problem. "My name is Debbie and I lack confidence in my skills as a Tarot reader."

Woo hoo!! I feel better already.

It occurred to me after posting my last entry that I have drawn a lot of swords cards in the past few weeks.  So I wondered if I was just being over sensitive to the Swords or if I really had drawn a large number of them.  So I looked back over the daily cards I've drawn since April 29th and guess what I found?  This is how many times I've drawn each suit over the last few since April 29th:  Wands - 2; Cups - 2, Pentacles - 2; Swords 9.  I haven't drawn any Trumps.  I find this an interesting   I'm not totally sure what this means yet, other than that I might be having some issues with communication or that schoolwork has taken over a large portion of my time lately (it's finals time).

I think when I get home tonight I'll do a reading about why I keep drawing so many Swords.  It should be interesting to see what comes up.

The 8 of Swords reversed serves as another reminder of pitfalls up ahead and unseen challenges.  But the fact that this card is reversed also suggests that whatever these dangerous thorns are, they're probably a result of my own inner fears and insecurities than anything external.  At the same time I think I need to be careful while working my way through the briar patch not to be snagged by thorns.  On an internal level, maybe this card is also warning me to be careful not to create situations that trigger any of my internal traps.   

I have always known that I have some self-destructive behaviors.  For example when I'm unhappy in a job I'll start slacking off and performing poorly rather than just leaving before I tarnish my reputation.  Or, as a teen, when I worried that my friends were angry with me, rather than talking it out I would become angry at them for getting angry with me (even when I didn't know for sure they were angry with me).  So then I could say that I was the one who ended the friendship which gave me the illusion of control. 

Maybe the thicket represents my internal defenses.  I often joke that I married my husband because he survive the initiation test.  But that's not really a joke.  I have a very well-developed internal defense system.  And over the years a lot of folks (including some boys I wanted to date) have decided that a relationship with me wasn't worth the trouble of working fighting through the defenses.  At the time I convinced myself that they just weren't worth it.  And now I realize that, although I might not have been able to sustain a long term relationship with these types of folks, I've probably short-changed myself.  Maybe I would have learned things through friendships with the people I've scared off, lessons that would have enriched my life. 

So maybe it's time to be a bit more open and less defensive.  By letting my guard down I might open myself up to meeting different people who can open my eyes to new perspectives and new ideas.  And if I feel in danger, I can always pick the swords back up and defend myself.  But I don't need to start out in a defensive posture.

  Today's card is the 2 of Cups reversed.  Another two and another reversed card.  I'm on a roll again.  But this card may be a reminder that I can't always wrap myself in a cocoon.  I have to admit that hubby and I like our "sluggy Sundays".  If we had our way, we'd spend the day in our pajamas eating take-out food and watching crappy movies.  But we have responsibilities, especially to his mom.  She's 77 years old and lives by herself in Greenwood Lake with hubby's 53 year old deaf & moderately retarded brother.  Most of the folks she used to know up there are gone now - either moved away or passed away.  She can make it to the local deli for sandwiches and staples but for the bigger stuff, hubby and I need to do the shopping.  We also have to check the mail and make sure her bills are paid.  It's not easy but I don't begrudge it.  She's been good to us.  

The 2 of Cups reversed reminds me that although it is good to feel that emotional connection to my hubby, it is also important to connect to my own emotional needs as well as the needs of others I care about.  I can be amazingly insensitive to the emotional needs of others in my life.  Sometimes it's because I tend to dismiss folks who seem overly emotional or needy.  Sometimes it's because I feel overwhelmed and incapable of meeting their needs without violating my own boundaries.  I don't necessarily think it's a problem that I have my own clearly demarcated boundaries, but maybe I need to be more sensitive to others when their own emotional needs get close to crossing my boundaries.  I can be sympathetic and lend an ear, even if I can't fix their problem.  And that might be where my issues lay - I find it hard to listen without trying to fix things.  And sometimes folks just need to talk, to vent or to be heard.  They already know what they need to change in their lives, they don't need me to do it for them.  But I can be a sounding board and a support.

The 2 of Swords on both these decks is very different from the traditional RWS version.  On the Golden Botticelli we see two men engaged in a violent battle.  Is the one man trying to rob the other?  Or are both equal participants?  A pair of swords are stabbed the nearby earth.  On the Fantastical Creatures card we see a man kneeling by a stream and cupping water in his hands.  He is watching a snake that is slithering in the nearby water.  The message in this card seems to be one of caution and watchfulness, expecting the unexpected or at least being prepared for any eventuality.  In a sense these cards speak to me of the need for a touch of paranoia.

But it's reversed today so maybe it suggesting that today is a day I can let my guard down a bit.  I don't need to be so worried about external forces but it might be helpful to look inward and really see what is going on inside myself.  What am I fighting against facing?  What is hiding beneath the surface waiting to take me by surprise?  On some level I already know the answers to these questions but I have to admit that it's just not my primary focus right now.  It's nearing the end of the semester at school and that's where most of my priorities are.  Next is organizing summer camp training for staff and adjusting to the new power structures in place at work.  I'm also trying to deal with the politics in my new position - not just stomping all over folks and making pronouncements about training, but trying to work with some of what is already existing.  It's not easy, especially when I think they're wrong, but that's my challenge.

My card for today is the 10 of Wands.  In the Secret Forest deck this is portrayed as a turtle crawling along with a mini forest of grass or plants growing on his back.  It looks like they're growing right out of his shell.  And the image on the Golden is a more traditional figure of a robed, barefoot man who is a bit hunched carrying a bundle of 10 large wooden staves.  Either way my initial response to seeing this was to hear the line 'boy, you've got to carry that weight a long time" from The Beatles song "Carry That Weight".  So maybe what I need to focus on today is what burdens am I carrying?  Are they useful with a definite and clear end in sight or am I just carrying them from habit?  Inquiring minds (mine of course) want to know.

I woke this morning in a bit of a fright.  I had a dream that John and I were two of the few survivors of a zombie plague.  For some reason I can't really remember details (I so rarely do in my dreams), but I can remember the two of us being holed up in a house, fairly safe for the time being.  Then we heard a ruckus outside so we went to the window and peeked out.  We saw a group of vigilantes roaming the streets with guns demanding people give them their dead.  I guess they wanted to make sure the recently deceased didn't come back.  Naturally people objected to this approach and resisted leading to a struggle.  And of course the zombies took advantage of this to attack (sheesh, I watch too many horror movies).  Some of the surviving humans were running towards our shelter when I woke up.  I just remember feeling panicked because if they broke in to our shelter trying to escape the zombies, they would lead the zombies right to us.  My last memory before waking up was that we were turning off lights and trying to barricade ourselves in one room but make it look like no one was there.  This is the third or fourth night I've had dreams about surviving a zombie plague.  I suppose I should examine this further.  Maybe I'll do that later on tonight.

Another Page of Swords day.  And considering that I have a few meetings lined up for today, I'm focusing on two qualities of this card - quick wits and being open to new learning experiences.  I think the message (at least for now) is that I need to use my wits and listen and learn more than I speak.  And when I do speak, I need to make sure it's clear, concise and factual (now might be a good time to keep some of my opinions to myself)

I've been having a blast adding friends and updating my profile at the new Readers Studio NING.  It's a networking site similar to Facebook but membership is by invitation only (as far as I know it's limited to folks who have attended Readers Studios).  But it's great to see so many familiar faces in one place.  I have a number of these folks as friends on Facebook or LiveJournal, but now I can find them all in one place and if I decide to consolidate then it will be easy to do!

Today was an interesting day at work.  We're still feeling the after-shocks of TS' departure.  I'm convinced it's for the best but the jockeying for position has begun and some folks are putting their name forward for consideration of taking that job.  I'm just enjoying the show.  On the bright side I got my training questionnaire out there and folks are starting to respond.  But it's entertaining to see the disconnect between reality and perception.  Some of our managers think they and their staff only need training in one area while others are putting their staff in for trainings which just aren't appropriate right now.  I've got a long road ahead in getting us up to speed in the training area.

When I was riding the subway this morning I found myself looking at folks and wondering where we're going.  NYC keeps getting more and more congested and the infrastructure cannot support it.  The subways are getting more expensive.  Gas is outrageous and the expense of owning a car in NYC is definitely prohibitive.  Landlords want to raise rents.  They insist that half their tenants are rent stabilized and not paying their fair share.  But I'd love to see the real data on that.  I cannot believe that half a million tenants are rent stabilized.  Although quite frankly, even if they were so what.  Most of these folks have lived in NYC for years, through the good and the bad.  If they can keep an apartment that costs less than $1,000 a month, good for them.  Every time I turn around I see more and more change (and I hate change).  I get disoriented when I come through the Lincoln Tunnel because so many new high-rise apartment buildings have invaded my neighborhood.  Actually it's not a neighborhood anymore, it's hot spot.  It's the trendy locale for up & coming NY hipsters to live.  Gods I miss the Westies.  Hell I miss the junkies.  At least I knew the junkies.

I finally drew a card that wasn't reversed!!  Yeah!!  And not only is my card of the day a Wand, it is the Queen of Wands (I just love the Queen of Wands).  The first thing that struck me is that she is me.  The Queen of Wands has always been the one I most identified with.  So maybe after all of this past history of isolation and withdrawal I'm ready to re-claim my throne.

What I've always like about the Queen of Wands is her confidence and her warmth.  She is charismatic, charming, sexy and in control.  She is very clear about her priorities and determined in achieving her goals.  Of course she can also be overwhelming, domineering and opinionated.  But I just love this queen.  Actually I am learning to love each of the queens but the Queen of Wands will always be my favorite.

Today was a day just full of more Tarot goodness.  After spending a few hours at Baruch working on a group project with my teammates (sheesh, I hate these type of group assignments), I strolled over to East West Books for the Aeclectic Tarot meetup.  I arrived in time to enjoy a few moments with Wald & Ruth Ann Amberstone, and Mary Collins (and her friend).  I also got to spend a few minutes chatting with Maribel (the lady who videotaped the Readers Studio).  She lives in Sheepshead Bay and we had an interesting chat about how much that area has changed.

I was thrilled to see Matt and Elizabeth there.  Matt brought a friend named Cathy with him and Shawn was there holding court.  We were soon joined by Amy, Brian and Ashanti.  After Wald, Ruth Ann, Mary and friend left the rest of us spend time discussing the Readers Studio, doing readings and talking about Tarot.  Shawn's tales of has working with the Liber T has led to research into the Golden Dawn tradition and the book he might write.  Brian was generous enough to do readings for Cathy and Bershka.  Shawn did a three card reading for Ashanti with his Liber T and I did a two card reading for Matt with my CT Collab Patchwork Tarot.

The flow of conversation was great.  We talked about topics ranging from work to personal interests to Tarot.  Folks strolled downstairs to check out the wares at the bookstore (and several purchases were made).  Shawn and Elizabeth eventually had to leave (as both were ducking out on some writing work they should have been doing).  The rest of us spent more time chatting about Tarot, looking at each other's cards and basically just enjoying each others' company.  I had a marvelous time and have every intention of making it to the next one.

Another affirmation from the Tarot that I've hibernated long enough.  It's time to get myself back out there and re-connect with my Tarot buddies.  I realize that on some level what I need to recover from was my hurt at a brouhaha that sprang up unexpectedly on a Tarot list to which I belong.  I was hurt by the statements some folks made and, as I am wont to do when my feelings are hurt, I walked away for a while.  But it's time to move beyond that and immerse myself in the Tarot tribe once again.  I have missed being more out there.  Towards that end I pulled the 4 of Swords from the Tarot Affirmations deck and found this statement "I am detaching from rigid ideas of what should be and opening mysefl to new possibilities".  Somehow that seems especially appropriate right now.

I'm so excited - my BPAL order arrived.  Actually I've placed quite a few BPAL orders recently.  I'm still expecting one more shipment after this one. 

As soon as I got that Priority Mail box festooned with Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab tape I ripped into it, delighted to have some olfactory goodness to enjoy.  This round I ordered some limited editions for summer from the Atomic Luau Lounge collection.  I chose Screeching Parrot with its notes of Golden rum, apricot liquor, pineapple, pomegranate, ginger, brandy, grapefruit, and pink lime and Rangoon Riptide created with notes of Pineapple, mandarin orange, raspberry, passion fruit, and rum.  I thought these sounded suitably tropical for the warm weather months.  I also got another 5ml of Manhattan because I have fallen under its spell.  And then I got three fragrances from the Mad Tea Party collection:  Cheshire Cat scented with Grapefruit, red currant, dark musk, Roman chamomile, delphinium, and lavender; White Rabbit ripe with "Strong black tea and milk with white pepper, ginger, honey and vanilla, spilled over the crisp scent of clean linen"; and The Red Queen with her notes of "Deep mahogany and rich, velvety woods lacquered with sweet, black-red cherries and currant."

I sniffed each in the bottle as soon as I got them.  One smells more luscious than the rest.  I can't wait to try them all!!  Ahh - fragrance overload, what a joyous thing.